Whatever Gets You Through

I am hoping that your “dirty” language makes you feel better.

I had a double mastectomy in July 2008 for breast cancer. Chemo treatments and 33 Radiation treatments. Lost all my hair, sick as a poisioned dog from chemo and burned terribly from radiation–but never once did say such filthy things.

I prayed to the Lord of Heaven, Jesus Christ that whatever I was and would be going through would be for His Glory. I am praying that you can do the same this very day and that your life will be turned to the glory of the Lord.

Nancy J Leimer
2 Year Cancer Survivor

This is one of the responses I did’t post after receiving it from a reader.  She commented on my post:  “So You Just Found Out You Have Breast Cancer…” I’d even written a disclaimer that warned the post might not be suitable for all audiences.  I used the word “Fuck”. 

That’s a biggie.  The “F-Bomb”.   Some women don’t have the heart or stomach to “cuss like a sailor” when faced with a fight.  I’ve never been one of them.   I think my response was right for me.  But I’m a young woman.  My cancer was found when I was 49.  Staging and evaluation of the tumor indicated it had been growing inside of me since I was 39.  That’s way too young to have to worry about breast cancer.  So I said, “FUCK YOU, cancer!”  And I revved for a fight.

I held back saying “FUCK YOU” to my ob/gyn and his staff who’d somehow missed the seriousness of the black discharge from my left nipple two years earlier.  When I explained to the nurse at that appointment that I’d been up all night searching the Internet for indicators of such an occurance, the nurse charting told me that I should have skipped searching and gone back to bed to get rest.  “The Internet can be a scary place.”  Three weeks later I was told the tests they ran on the culture they took that day were fine.  No need for follow up.  Apparently Women’s Health Advantage in Fort Wayne, Indiana can be a scarier place than the Internet!

And all the mammography films?  Apparently invasive breast cancer doesn’t look the same to all doctors or they’d have noticed its spread for 8 years prior to my diagnosis. I’m still thankful to Dr. Raymond Facco who saw the tumor that Peggy Leffers found via ultrasound.

I have hit a wall just as Dr. Goulet told me I would.  I struggle with anger that comes out of nowhere.  I struggle with anxiety and sadness that seems to blindside me from time to time.  I am frustrated over the pain that feels like bee stings on the underside of my arm. I wonder when, if ever, that will go away.  Sometimes I think the sensations have gotten better.  Sometimes I’m just so tired that I want to literally chop my arm off.   I am tired of massaging my FUCKING scar every blessed morning yet I pray that I’ll be doing it for the next 40 years!  I am scared that although my cancer was found in its early stage and my indicators are the best they could be that I could fall into the 25% recurrence rate.  I’m tired of wanting to go to bed at 8PM because it physically hurts to stay awake another minute more.  I’m tired of looking at my kitchen floors and thinking I really should wash them, but the task seems too overwhelming and insignificant given all that I have to do as a the business development maven for the business we own, Marathon Technology Group.

So today I pay my respects to Nancy, a 2-year breast cancer survivor.  She deserves to be recognized.  Regardless of how one gets through the agony that is breast cancer, one thing is universal.  We all want to add years to our lives.  Nancy, congratulations!  May God continue to keep you in the palm of His hand as I pray He keeps me.  I want to be your age some day.